I Know What You Got Your Classic Dad For Xmas With Just 4 Guesses.

Classic dads are all the same. We all think of the same type of dad when we hear “classic dad”. They are a true relic of time and something our country truly adores.  Are they a dying breed? Probably. The future version of a “classic dad” probably drinks setlzers and buys different types of shoes. Who knows. But right now we just have the OG classic dad. I don’t need to explain what this breed of men look like because you all know exactly what a classic dad is.

In this blog, I will lay out 4 guesses of what gift you got your classic dad for Christmas. So if you do not have a classic dad as a father then I am sorry. You might as well stop reading. And I’m sorry you weren’t lucky enough to experience trying to change the TV channel while your father was asleep in the recliner, before 9pm, with the remote sitting on his perfectly round stomach. 

We all have this struggle every year. “What am I going to get Dad for Christmas?” It’s an impossible question. Classic dads have everything they need AND literally have no desire to own anything else. They are well established men. They have what they need to make them happy. There isn’t anything in the world you can get them that either: A.) they want, but they can’t get themselves, or B.) they need but don’t already have. So what do you do? You settle and get him a gift that you KNOW will make him happy. The gift won’t blow him away, but he DEFINITELY will not be let down. You take the safe route, and you gift him one of these 4 things:

1. Alcohol

Simple and effective. You most likely you got him his favorite beer or a halfway expensive whiskey. This gift has nearly a 100% success rate. Nothing is better than when he pulls out a whiskey bottle, or whatever his liquor of choice is, that he has never seen before. The moment when he begins to evaluate the bottle thoroughly and read the back of the label is truly stunning. He’ll more than likely have at least one drink of the gift while you are there to show you the gift was a hit. You just can’t go wrong with this one.

Side note: If you bought your dad an IPA for Christmas then he may not be a classic dad…. Or you somehow messed up one of the easiest classic dad gifts ever. Don't get me wrong, there are classic dads who enjoy IPAs, but I think we all know that it is rare to find.

2. Clothing Item

I can probably be even more specific than this: 

• Socks: Black or white 100% cotton tube socks will be used and used often. 
• Underwear: A classic dad doesn’t buy new underwear until his current undies have completely fallen apart. You’ve seen his underwear because you grew up in the same house as him. You know if he wears boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, or whitey tighties.
• Slippers: Dads love slippers. 
• Dress-up shirt or a funny shirt. How often do classic dads buy shirts? That’s right. Never. That dress-up shirt will be worn anytime dressing up is required. Now he may not wear the funny shirt in public, but you’ll see him wear it every other time you are home. 

The underwear and socks are safe winners. The slippers and shirts have a slight higher risk/higher reward factor compared to the socks and underwear.

3. Anything with their favorite team’s logo on it

A classic dad falls anywhere between a casual fan to a die-hard of specific sports teams. If the gift has his team’s logo on it then it’s a pretty solid present. It could be a towel, a cup, a hat, a rug, a car decal, a salt & pepper shaker, etc. He may not use the gift, but he’ll keep it or display it for years to come simply because it has his team’s logo. 

4. Grilling Items/Seasoning

All classic dads grill. Even if your dad isn't super passionate about it, he still has chemistry with his grill like Pole Assassin does with her stripper monkey… That was a college college football reference... Texas Longhorns special teams coach’s wife used to be a stripper, that went by ‘Pole Assassin”, and she performed on stage with a monkey. Link to that here if you're lost:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQMTHi6p03Y 

As I was saying. All classic dads man that grill when the household is in dire need of a cookout or some perfectly cooked medium rare burgers. Dammit, he loves grilling and you love when he grills. That’s why you get some special steak or meat seasoning for him to try out. Or maybe you got him some new tongs, or a grilling apron (which he has never worn one but will now because you got him the gift and that’s what classic dads do). A grilling item is again a safe route with nearly 100% success rate. 

Bonus guesses: 

• Golf gear (golf balls, tee, etc.) Contrary to believe, not every classic dad golfs more than twice a year. For that reason, I left it off my list.
• Tools. I left this off the list because tools are expensive so it usually takes a group effort of siblings to buy tools as a gift. Dads do not go cheap on tools. That is something they are not afraid to spend money on. Also, a lot of classic dads have every tool they need that meets their personal handy-man ability.
• Food. A common one similar to alcohol. 100% success rate as long as you know what your dad’s favorite munchies are. Think frozen meat, chips, and chocolate bars.
• Cologne/shaving gear? No idea if this is a common gift for dads. I just know my classic dad aka “lumpy” is always happy with receiving cologne and/or shaving gear.

If you still haven’t gotten your classic dad a gift yet. Have no fear. All those classic dad gifts are sure fire winners. Best part is, they are everyday purchases and aren’t hard to find. Quit stressin’ and take the safe route. Your classic dad will be thankful.

Lastly, I can’t wait for some new Dr. Rick Progessive commercials to drop this holiday. They make fun of parents (specifically classic dads) perfectly. Here are a few of the best. You know Progressive is about to drop some new Dr. Rick Christmas commercial bangers.

By: Dr. Steve Corn